


Paper Hearts

by valentinevinyl



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - 1970s, Angst, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Heartbreak, Love Letters, M/M, Swearing, but it's only like three times so, i mean kinda???
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-16
Updated: 2020-06-16
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:55:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24757360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/valentinevinyl/pseuds/valentinevinyl
Summary: "If my heart was paper, I'd fold it / Throw it to the wind and just hope it ends up with you / I'd sign it with love from me to you / I'd try to be cool, but my feelings, they don't allow me to / And all that I ask, is that at least you write me back / I'm waiting / Here's my paper heart, won't you hold it, hold it?"orIt's been over a year since Ashton last saw Luke and he hasn't been able to move on ever since. He writes Luke a letter in an attempt to say all the things he's wanted to say to him for over a year now. He can only hope Luke gives him what he needs to move on.
Relationships: Luke Hemmings & Ashton Irwin, Luke Hemmings/Ashton Irwin
Comments: 7
Kudos: 18





	Paper Hearts

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ateezGay](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ateezGay/gifts).



> (loosely) Based on the song Paper Hearts by The Vamps

His vision is beggining to get blurred by tears as the words leak from his mind and onto the paper. The weather outside reminds Ashton of the inside of his own mind at that moment; stormy, the sky is dark and painted by grey clouds casting shadows upon the city. The heavy raindrops rattle against the window beside him and every now and then a loud thunder will rip through the sky.

With the tears filling his eyes, Ashton can't see well the words that he is putting on the paper in front of him. He's been crying and shaking for a long time now and his handwriting is unrecognisable even to himself, the words on the paper all tangled up and messy. Some words have even been written over others.

But none of that matters to him. At least not now. Maybe in the morning when he wakes up with his face against his desk's hard surface, paper sheets tossed across the floor and crumpled paper in random places, his jacket tossed on the floor and the sunshine bathing the room in golden leaving no remnants of tonight's storm, he will ask himself what happened the night before; but now, sitting alone in his bedroom feeling like there's a hole he needs to fill and amends to be made, he must get these words out of his chest, no matter how long it will take him.

Somewhere in his heart Ashton knows that if only he'd been braver he wouldn't be feeling like this now. The apartment wouldn't be so silent and his heart wouldn't feel so empty. He could be spending tonight the same way he spent all the other nights like this one in the past years: with the man he loves cuddled up to is side, golden curls messily covering his face and tickling Ashton's chest as rain pours outside and Ashton ignores it, afraid that if he tears his eyes away from Luke he will disappear when he opens his eyes in the morning.

Yet, he chooses to hold on to the last spark of hope he has in himself for them. He wants to hope Luke will read his messy letter instead of throwing it away as soon as he sees Ashton's name written on the envelope; hope that he'll care enough to write him back –even if it's to tell Ashton to leave him alone for good and never write or call again. He is sure any response he may get from Luke will still feel better than the uncertainty he's been feeling for the past year.

So he writes until he feels like it's enough; until he feels like he's written on the paper everything he needs to.

The next morning, Ashton's wakes up with a sheet of paper stuck to his face, and he can swear sunlight has never been more aggressive on his eyes as he slowly comes to his senses and everything feels a bit unreal.

Sunlight is piercing through the window and he regrets being too invested in his melancholy to even bother closing the blinds before falling asleep with his face flat on his desk the night before.

Ashton lifts his head from the desk. He looks around and immediately remembers what happened the night before as soon as he lays eyes on the letter in front of him.

 _Oh, God_ , he thinks and buries his face in his hands.

Once Ashton lays back against the chair, his back sore and a few ink stains over his t-shirt, he takes a few seconds to examine the piece of paper before him.

He stares at it for a few moments, not sure what to do with it. Should he just throw it away and thank God for last night's storm, the only thing that kept him from sending it? Should he just keep it as a shameful reminder of how horribly he let himself crumble and never show anyone?

Ashton takes a deep breath, feeling the familiar weight on his chest as he reaches inside one of the drawers of his desk for a pen and a paper sheet he hadn't cried on or drooled over like the one where he wrote his letter.

He rewrites the letter from scratch at least seven times before he is content with it. Well, maybe _content_ isn't the word, but at least he isn't ashamed of this version as much as he is of all the previous eight.

And even then, he still feels nervous in every moment that follows this decision, from putting the letter in an envelope and sealing it to finally sending it away in the mail. Now the best he can do is wait.

Ashton's feet are resting on top of the coffee table in front of his couch and he feels his head slowly falling to the side to rest on the couch's back. He's trying to fight the wave of exhaustion that's close to driving him to a peaceful and slightly uncomfortable slumber on his old couch, but he knows it's useless. The words on the page of the book in front of him get mixed up in a sea of incomprehensible letters as his grip on the book loosens. When he gives in and decides to allow himself to rest, the book falls open on his lap and his eyes finally close.

That's when loud noises drive him out of his drowse. Ashton jolts awake, startled by the impacient knocks that ended his peace. He shoots to his feet, quickly making sure his hair and t-shirt are in place while he walks to the door.

"Hey, what can i-" Ashton begins and the words scape him as soon as he sees who had been knocking on his door. His smile vanishes as quickly as it'd appeared.

"Hey." Luke says, obviously as uncomfortable as Ashton. He shoves his hands in the pockets of his jacket to hide the way they started shaking. Luke couldn't recall feeling like he needed to hide his vulnerability from Ashton before and he's not sure how to feel about it.

Ashton can feel the blood rushing to his fingertips. He can swear he can hear almost every beat of his heart resound through every bone in his ribcage as he and Luke exchange quick stares and set their eyes on the ground again.

And _fuck_ , it's so hard for Ashton to control himself. He's to keep himself together, trying not to fall apart in Luke's presence, whilst also making sure he won't let his desire to reach for Luke and kiss him like he had done in that old hallway so many times before get the best of him and make him do something he will regret. But Luke is only a few steps away from his grasp and he looks as angelic as ever.

"Hey." Ashton replies shyly, a few awkward glances later. _This feels like going back in time_ , he thinks, remembering when their relationship was still new and he hadn't grown fully accostumed to Luke's ways yet. He remembers the shaking hands and shy smiles and turning his head the other way whenever he thought Luke was about to catch him staring. _I wish we could go back in time_ , the bitter thought hits him and he brushes it off.

"What are you doing here?" He asks, his eyes curiously scanning Luke's figure.

"I got your letter." Luke says and the weary look in his blue eyes makes Ashton unconciously tug at the end of his t-shirt.

Luke's comment makes a spark of hope surge in Ashton's chest and he feels it burn him from the inside for a few seconds. He didn't think Luke would even bother reading it. Maybe this means they'll finally have the conversation they should've had that night a year ago. Maybe he'll finally get the answer he needs.

Ashton doesn't really know what to say though, so he waits for Luke to say something to break the silence between them. He looks away in an attempt to hide the little hopeful smile forming on his lips. 

"Can i come inside?" Luke asks, motioning to the inside of Ashton's apartment and he notices Luke still has his hands stuffed in his jacket's pockets.

Luke looks around, taking in the apartment's characteristics as if it was the first time he stepped there before sitting on the couch.

Ashton, standing a few meters away with his back resting against one of the kitchen's counters notices that –how uncomfortable Luke is in that atmosphere, and reacting to everything inside his home as if it were the first time he was there– and it hurt Ashton a little. That lack of familiarity in Luke's attitude made him uncomfortable too.

"Did you change anything?" Luke asks, confused. His eyes are roaming over the walls as if something is missing from them.

"I just-" Ashton begins, but suddenly he finds himself looking for the right words. "put down a few picture frames." He says carefully, fingers entwined in front of his stomach and he follows Luke's eyes to the place where their favorite picture of them together used to be. Ashton feels a chill down his spine as the bitter memory of the night he decided to hide their pictures comes back to him and he tries to swallow back the lump forming in his throat.

"Oh." It's all Luke says in response and a stab of bitterness hits him too, so he tears his eyes away from the spot, trying not get more hurt than he already is.

"It was easier," Ashton tries to explain, feeling his mouth dry up a little as he does so. "not having them there."

"It's fine. I'm not here to discuss interior design with you." Luke answers, a bit too ruthless, and regrets it as soon as he notices the tone he used.

"Alright." Ashton says in a low voice, looking up. "What _are_ you here for then?"

"Well, i got your letter."

"And?" Ashton replies, beginning to feel impatient and overwhelmed by his feelings. He's been waiting for this; for a closure and he desperately wants to know how things will be between them.

Luke glares at him before replying and Ashton thinks maybe they'll be fighting soon. "What the fuck were you thinking?" is what Luke says, in an unexpectedly calm tone.

"Fuck, Luke," Ashton says, his voice a bit louder than it was just a few moments before. "i have no idea."

"Oh, so that's it?" Luke says, laying back against the couch and resting one of his arms over the couch's back as he does so.

Ashton gives him a confused look. He doesn't know what to say, he's not even sure he wants to say anything. But Luke seems to want a better explanation than " _I have no idea_." He wants to say something better, too, but all he can do is stare at Luke and hope he says something else.

"You didn't have the right, you know." Luke says and Ashton can tell he's holding himself back. He's trying not to yell. Maybe he's as tired as Ashton is.

"What do you mean i didn't have the right?" Ashton asks, offended by Luke's words.

"You didn't have the right to show up out of nowhere and say the things you said in that letter." Luke says, standing up, his voice louder now.

"I did!" Ashton yells in response. "I _did_ have the right! But you didn't have the right to walk out on me like you did and abandon everything we spent years building just because you freaked out!" Ashton regrets those words instantly. He knows why Luke decided to take a break from their relationship and he wants to remain supportive, but it's _so hard_ when Luke is obviously mad at him for being honest.

"You _know_ why i left." Luke says through gritted teeth. "And don't act like you're the only one suffering." Luke's words come out sharper than he wants them to be, but he can't keep the filter anymore.

"Oh, please, Luke, tell me how hard has the past year been for you." Ashton says sarcastically. "Tell me exactly how much you've been 'suffering'." He says, making air quotes. "Tell me how hard it was for you to just pack up and leave me alone. Or maybe how hard it was for you to commit to something."

"I needed _space_ , Ashton." Luke reminds him and Ashton lets out a dry chuckle.

"And i gave it to you!" Ashton yells back. "I gave you all the space and time you needed."

Luke doesn't say anything for a while and neither does Ashton.

"It's been over a year, Lu." Ashton reminds him as he wipes a tear away. "If you want to end everything for good just tell me and go." Luke sighs as he hears Ashton's words. That's _not_ what he wants. That's not he went there for. "But just give me something so i can figure out what to do."

He's staring at Luke, a glint of hope in his eyes. He knows that expecting Luke to stay now is hoping too much but he can't help it. Ashton desperately wants things to be as they used to. He wants to look at pictures of them without feeling overwhelmed by the bad memories, without hearing all the mean words they said that night replay in his head.

"You don't have to act like you love me anymore." He says bitterly and he knows he can't take it back. "Just be honest. I can take it." He lies, hoping Luke will believe it.

"What the fuck are you talking about, Ash?" Ashton shrugs and Luke feels his anger grow. "Do you really think i never loved you?"

"Well, do you?" Ashton asks, his voice quieter but just as bitter. "I mean, do you _still_ love me?"

"Yeah." Luke replies, his voice not much louder than a whisper. " _So much_."

"Then come back. It's _that_ simple."

Luke wants to. _God_ , he so desperately wants to come back. Ashton has no idea how many times Luke has walked by his building with the thought of going back to the man he loves playing on repeat in his head and how much he regrets changing his mind and turning around instead of gathering the courage to make things right between them again. He has no idea how many tears Luke has shed over what happened between them; Ashton's only counting his own tears. And even worse, Ashton has no idea how much every word in his letter meant to Luke. It's what drove him there in the first place; it gave him hope that there's still something worth saving between them.

"I want to." Luke says and Ashton can feel that spark of hope burn him again. "But i don't think i can."

"What are you talking about?" Ashton's voice is shaky and he's not sure how much longer he will be able to keep himself together.

"Was all of it true?" He finally asks. That's what he went there for; he just wanted to know if Ashton really meant everything he said. He needed to be sure Ashton did it consciously, that his honesty wasn't a drunk accident or anything of the kind. He just wanted to know he hadn't been the only one in pain.

"Every word." Ashton says, his chest is heavy and he's tired. "I just want you back. I just miss you so much." He says, giving up on his pride. He's just so glad he's being honest, so glad he can get that weight off his shoulders.

"I miss you too." Luke says, letting a few tears escape. "And i'm so sorry." He says, catching Ashton off guard. "I walked away because i didn't want to hurt you and that was all i did." The tears start to flow out of his eyes and he doesn't bother trying to hold them back anymore. "Fuck, i hurt the person i love the most." He says, more to himself than to Ashton and a humorless chuckle leaves his lips.

"Lu, you don't have to be sorry." Ashton's voice is soft and gentle now. He notices how close Luke is to him and how much he's crying. He just wants to hold him, tell him it's not his fault, tell him it's okay. He wants to comfort him and be close to him again.

Ashton steps closer to him and he can feel the smell of Luke's cologne fill his nose. Fuck, he had missed that smell on his sheets every morning so much.

Luke is crying and he doesn't notice how close Ashton is to him now. Ashton's arms gently wrap around Luke's torso and Luke rests his head on Ashton's shoulder, his arms loose around Ashton's waist. Holding himself back had been so hard and Ashton's arms just feel like home, _they always have_. He's so warm and Luke missed the comfort of his presence so much. 

Ashton is crying too. He still crumbles completely when Luke is sad and he realizes how this is the first time in over a year that he's not crying alone. It feels like the first time in ages since he's felt Luke's warmth on his skin and it feels _so_ _fucking_ _good_.

"I'm sorry." Luke says, followed by a hiccup. He's so broken, so fragile. Ashton just wishes he could fix everything. He just wants Luke to be okay again and he wants to be okay too.

"It's okay, babe." He says softly, feeling Luke's curls against his ear and his grip tightens around Ashton's torso. "You don't have to be sorry." Ashton says reassuringly, running a hand through Luke's curls. "I'm here, you're okay."

"Do you forgive me?" Luke says, lifting his head from the crook of Ashton's neck. His voice is weak and his face is tinted with a soft shade of red and wet by the tears. Ashton had only seen him this broken a few other times in all the years they'd been together and he hated every one of those times.

"I don't have to." Ashton says, wiping one of Luke's tears away with his thumb and brushing some of his curls away from his face. "You didn't do anything wrong." He explains, all of the walls he had spent over a year building around his heart falling apart at the sight before him.

Luke nods, showing he understood. He hugs Ashton again, burying his fingertips on Ashton's back. It's so healing to have Ashton's body pressed against his again that all he can do is drown in Ashton's embrace.

"Do you think we'll be okay?" He asks against the crook of Ashton's neck, his voice mufled and weak.

"We'll be okay, don't worry." Ashton says, the weight on his shoulders finally leaving him and that spark of hope growing more and more each minute. "We always are."

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading it! 💖💕 Let me know what you think? 🥺️👉👈


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